If you’ve ever tried to comfort your child during a meltdown or a moment of self-doubt, you’ve probably said this phrase.
It seems harmless—kind, even. We say it because we love our kids and want to help them feel better fast. It’s often the first thing that comes out when they’re crying in the car seat, scared after a nightmare, or upset over a scraped knee.
And hey, no judgment. We’ve all done it. In fact, most of us grew up hearing it ourselves.
But according to child psychologists and parenting experts, this go-to phrase might be doing more damage than we realise. And once you see why—you won’t be able to unhear it.
Kids are emotional sponges.
Seriously—every word, every facial expression, every reaction we have becomes part of their internal narrative. And the way we respond to their fears, failures, and frustrations? That’s the blueprint they’ll use to handle emotions for the rest of their lives.
When your child is upset and you quickly say, “You’re okay,” you’re not trying to brush them off. You’re trying to help. You’re trying to calm the storm. You’re likely anxious yourself and want to “solve” the problem and move forward. That’s completely understandable.
But here’s the twist: the things we say to comfort them can actually invalidate what they’re feeling.
It doesn’t mean we’re bad parents—it means we’re human, and we’re doing what we were taught. But research shows this one well-meaning sentence might be the reason your child hesitates to speak up when they’re struggling. It might be why they seem to shut down, lash out, or suddenly say, “You don’t get it.”
So what’s the phrase?
“You’re okay.”
Yup. That’s the one.
We’ve all said it.
Your toddler trips and falls on the pavement? “You’re okay!”
Your 7-year-old bursts into tears because their friend didn’t invite them to a party? “You’re okay.”
Tears are falling and their fists are clenched—but out comes: “You’re okay.”
Except… they’re not okay. And they’re looking to you to help make sense of that.
When a child is clearly not okay—crying, scared, hurt, overwhelmed—telling them they are okay dismisses what they’re feeling. It’s like handing them a “hush now” sticker and walking away.
And over time? That teaches them to bottle it up. To think their feelings are “too much.” To question their own emotions, or worse—feel ashamed for even having them.
The result? A generation of kids who struggle to talk about what’s really going on beneath the surface. Kids who smile on the outside but don’t trust themselves on the inside. And adults who carry that same disconnection into relationships, work, and self-worth.
What’s the harm in trying to keep things positive?
It’s a fair question. Parents are constantly walking the tightrope between validating emotions and not overreacting. But here’s the thing: validating doesn’t mean exaggerating the pain or wallowing in it. It means meeting your child where they are.
When a child says, “I’m scared,” and we respond with, “Don’t be scared!”—we’re telling them their instinct is wrong.
When they say, “I’m sad,” and we reply, “No, you’re not!”—we’re asking them to disconnect from their emotional reality.
This may lead to children learning to second-guess themselves, ignore their feelings, or feel unsafe expressing anything “big” or uncomfortable. It’s not just about emotional expression—it’s about developing emotional intelligence, self-trust, and resilience.
So what should we say instead?
✅ “I see you’re upset. I’m here.”
✅ “That was scary, huh? Want to tell me about it?”
✅ “It’s okay to cry. I’m listening.”
✅ “That looks like it really hurt. Let’s sit together for a minute.”
These small swaps do something huge: they validate.
They tell your child, “I see you. I hear you. You’re safe to feel things here.”
That safety becomes the foundation for emotional strength.
It helps them trust themselves, ask for help when needed, and respond to life’s curveballs with confidence instead of avoidance.
And if you’re worried this sounds too soft or permissive, think of it this way: a child who feels heard doesn’t need to yell. A child who feels safe to feel is far less likely to shut down or explode later.
Let them feel it—then help them move through it.
Helping your child “get over” something isn’t about pushing them to smile and move on—it’s about showing them how to walk through it with you by their side.
So next time your child is melting down, falling apart, or overwhelmed by big emotions… try pausing before you rush to fix it.
Say less. Sit with them more.
Because in the long run, that’s what raises confident, emotionally strong kids who know how to handle life—not just survive it.
