I was trying to recall how and when I learnt about the birds and the bees. I know for sure there was never any mother-daughter, or for that matter father-daughter, confidential chat to educate me on the facts of life. It was a combination of girl chatter at school and in the changing rooms at various squash clubs around the country.
Back in my day…
I distinctly remember that I never wanted to play spin the bottle under the pool table at the socials because I was convinced for a long time that kissing got you pregnant.
Many of the parenting books that I have read over time talk about the appropriate time and method for teaching your children about the facts of life. I have found it’s like a lot of books and or advice – that it’s great in theory but a lot harder to put in practice.
One size doesn’t fit all and because all children develop both physically and emotionally at different times its difficult to determine the exact age to start. However, I believe that it is important that every child is educated and informed about the birds and the bees in an honest and appropriate manner before it is too late.
When and how to kick of ‘the talk’
For a number of years it was easy to brush aside inquisitive questions from inquisitive children. There were many occasions, either a scene on TV, a news item on the radio or even a couple of randy animals at the zoo that would result in a question relating to the reproductive cycle. It’s easy when they are little to fob them off, but very soon you realise that, as they get older, the innocence disappears and a genuine interest that can be perceived as an embarrassment starts to appear.
I remember a few years ago when my eldest must have been about 11 and Josh (who was 9) was asking about how babies miraculously got out of their mother’s tummy. I could sense that this was not a conversation that the 11 year old was interested in. So I just asked him if he knew how babies were made and he immediately replied: “NO, I don’t – and I don’t need to know actually.”
As I said earlier all kids are different, our eldest two don’t want to know and our third just wants to know everything. Now that they are all older we just simply answer every question as honestly as we can without being too explicit in some cases. For example the little ones have asked what rape is. At this stage I have explained that it is about physically hurting a woman and that you must never hurt a woman (or anyone for that matter) and that “no” means “no”.
It is easy to gauge when they are really absorbing what you are saying as opposed to when it is going in one ear and out the other.
John, my husband, has tried the bonding weekend away and the man-to-man talk, but it is just as Celia Lashlie says in her book – that they twiddle their fingers for half hour and then say, ‘whew – thank goodness – we can tell mum needed to get that out of the way.
The talk in schools
Most state schools these days have a fairly comprehensive programme addressing all the issues that arise from puberty and beyond. Kids generally respond much better in an environment with their peers and I noticed that after these lessons the odd question comes out while we were doing the dishes etc. “Wet dreams “ seem inconceivable to most young boys and is possibly one of the more delicate subjects to broach.
Both John and I take the approach that we will be upfront and honest and, whilst earnest in our explanations, try to make it all as natural as possible.
Perhaps try a book…
There are some great publications to assist you in educating your children. Lets face it, no matter how you tackle the subject there will always be embarrassing moments for both parties. The books that take a less formal approach generally get the boys more interested. Our family has enjoyed Lets Talk about Where Babies Come From by Robbie Harris. So much so that it has gone from being hidden under the bed to a permanent fixture on the coffee table.
Let’s face it, they are going to find out eventually and isn’t it better that they learn from people they trust to tell them the truth? As hard as it may be sometimes it is our responsibility as parents to prepare them for adulthood. Teaching them the facts of life is part of growing up and so very natural and yet even today is quite taboo for many families.
We were watching TV the other day and in typical TV fashion a woman gave birth on the side of the road. My son was flabbergasted as he had assumed because he was born by caesarean that all babies were surgically removed from their mother’s tummy. I calmly explained the natural birthing process but I could see he didn’t believe me.
We got the book out again and went through the stages. I could see he wasn’t convinced. His response to this conundrum was of course to change the channel!
