Last Tuesday, I found myself standing in the kitchen, holding a lunchbox my daughter had barely touched. Again. She’d been quieter than usual that morning, brushing past me with a mumbled “I’m fine.” But something about her eyes – glassy, distant – made my stomach twist. As a mum, you just know. Even when they say they’re okay, even when there are no tears or tantrums, your gut whispers, something’s off.
I sat down on the edge of her bed that night and asked, gently, if something had happened at school. She shrugged, barely meeting my gaze. “I don’t know,” she said.
That’s when it hit me—how often kids say those three words, not because they don’t feel anything, but because they can’t untangle the feelings enough to name them. That phrase? It’s a neon sign. Not a dismissal. Not avoidance. A signal flare.
So if you’re here because your child’s been a little off lately and you can’t put your finger on why—stay. You’re in the right place. We’re going to unpack exactly what they might be needing from you right now, even if they can’t say it out loud.
Something Feels Off. Here’s Why
You’re doing all the things. You pack lunches, check homework, hug them goodnight, cheer from the sidelines. But still, there are days they pull away. Or explode. Or just stare at their cereal like the world is too much.
That’s not because you’re failing.
It’s because emotional development doesn’t come with instructions—and most kids are navigating feelings far bigger than they know how to express. Especially in a world that moves fast, praises perfection, and rarely stops to ask how kids really are.
And the thing they need most?
The Key Thing They Need (But Can’t Ask For)
Your child needs emotional safety.
Not just love. Not just attention. But a deep, felt sense that it’s safe to be fully human with you—messy, scared, angry, confused, sad.
According to psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, emotional safety is the foundation for trust. When a child feels emotionally safe, they’re more likely to open up, try new things, handle disappointment, and bounce back from mistakes.
But emotional safety doesn’t mean we protect them from all hard feelings. It means we become the kind of parent who can handle their hard feelings, without shaming, fixing, or brushing it off.
Clues They’re Craving It
So what does it look like when a child is desperate for emotional safety? Here are some of the most common signs:
- “I don’t know” when you ask how they feel (hint: they do feel something, but can’t name it).
- Explosive reactions to small things
- Withdrawing or isolating from the family
- Trouble falling asleep
- Acting “younger” than their age in certain situations
And one of the biggest signs? Repeating the same challenging behaviour over and over—because the emotional need underneath hasn’t been seen or met.
How You Can Give It to Them
You don’t need a psychology degree. You just need to be present, honest, and open.
Start with these steps:
1. Pause Before You React
When your child lashes out, melts down, or shuts down—pause. Take a breath. Remember: behavior is a clue, not a character flaw.
2. Label What You See
Name the feeling without judgment: “You look really frustrated. I’m here if you want to talk.” This helps them feel seen and teaches emotional vocabulary.
3. Stay
Don’t walk away. Don’t lecture. Just stay close, calm, and open. Your calm nervous system is a blueprint for theirs.
4. Get Curious, Not Controlling
Try: “I wonder if something happened today that felt hard.” instead of “What’s wrong with you?”
5. Validate Without Solving
Say things like, “That sounds really tough. I’d feel that way too.” Resist the urge to jump into fix-it mode.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
According to the CDC, children’s mental health concerns have increased significantly in recent years, especially post-pandemic (source).
Social media, academic pressure, and even just the speed of life are overwhelming for young minds. And while therapy is amazing, nothing replaces the daily emotional anchoring that comes from a safe parent-child bond.
As Dr. Dan Siegel puts it, “Connection is the most powerful form of discipline there is.”
The Ripple Effect
When a child feels emotionally safe, everything else gets easier:
- Fewer meltdowns
- Better communication
- More resilience in school and friendships
- Higher self-esteem
- A stronger bond with you
And as they grow? That safety you built doesn’t vanish. It becomes a launchpad. They’ll know who to call when life gets hard. They’ll know how to feel, process, and move forward.
Final Word
If your child is acting out, zoning out, or just feeling off lately, don’t panic. And don’t take it personally.
Take it as your cue.
To pause.
To soften.
To ask one more question.
Because while they might not have the words to say it, the truth is loud and clear:
They need emotional safety.
They need you.
