You’ve tried everything.
The calm tone. The sticker charts. The threats to cancel screen time. The late-night Google rabbit holes.
But your kid still explodes when you ask them to pause a game. They forget simple instructions two seconds after you say them. They talk back, zone out, or go full meltdown over the wrong-colored socks.
It feels like defiance. Like they’re not listening. Like you’re doing something wrong.
You’re not.
If you’ve landed here, it’s because you care enough to keep learning—and that already puts you in the right place. Because there is something kids with ADHD need every day to thrive. And chances are, they’re not getting enough of it.
The Problem Most Parents Don’t See Coming
ADHD isn’t a behavior problem. It’s a neurological one. The ADHD brain is wired differently, especially in areas that control impulse, emotion regulation, and executive function. That means your child isn’t being lazy, rude, forgetful, or defiant on purpose.
But here’s the catch: when the world only sees the struggle, your child starts to believe that’s all they are. The constant corrections, the sighs, the labels (“disruptive” or “challenging” or “too much”)—they add up fast.
By the time many kids with ADHD hit their teen years, they’ve already internalized the belief that they’re broken, stupid, or not trying hard enough. Not because their parents don’t love them, but because most of the feedback they hear is about what they’re doing wrong.
What they don’t hear enough? The one thing they need to.
So What Do They Actually Need to Hear?
They need to hear what counteracts the shame cycle. They need to hear what helps them believe they are capable. They need to hear this:
“Your brain is different, and that’s not a bad thing. It just means we figure things out a little differently.”
Because every time you say that—in some form—you’re planting a belief that can rewire their self-worth.
What That Sounds Like in Daily Life
Here are some specific things to say (and say often):
- “I know you’re trying, even when it doesn’t look like it.”
- “You’re not broken. Your brain works differently—and different is not less.”
- “I love how your mind sees the world.”
- “That was hard, and you didn’t give up. That’s what matters.”
- “You make life more interesting. Never let anyone dim that.”
- “Messy doesn’t mean lazy. It means you’re human.”
It might feel small. But for your child, these words are life rafts.
How I Learned This (The Hard Way)
I used to think I was helping by correcting my daughter constantly: reminders, systems, color-coded calendars. But the more I reminded, the more she shut down.
One day, after she forgot her backpack again, I snapped: “Why can’t you just remember?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I don’t know. But I really do try.”
That moment broke me. Because I realized she wasn’t lacking discipline. She was lacking belief—belief that she wasn’t failing me. That she wasn’t failing at all.
So I started saying different things. Not just “try harder,” but “I see your effort.” Not just “be more organized,” but “let’s make this work for your brain.”
She began to rise. Not because she suddenly got better at remembering. But because she stopped believing she was a disappointment.
What the Experts Say
Dr. Ned Hallowell, a psychiatrist who has ADHD himself, says: “ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of not doing what you know.”
That distinction changes everything. Your child doesn’t need lectures. They need support to turn knowing into doing—with systems, compassion, and consistent encouragement.
Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, puts it simply: “Kids do well if they can.”
So if they’re not doing well, the solution isn’t more punishment. It’s more curiosity. More connection. More belief.
How You Can Start Right Now
- Shift the focus from outcomes to effort. Instead of “Why didn’t you finish?” try “Tell me where it got hard. Let’s figure it out together.”
- Catch them succeeding. Even small wins—”You started your homework on your own? That’s awesome.”
- Be their external executive function. Remind them it’s okay to need help with planning, organizing, and remembering. That’s not a weakness. That’s what support is for.
- Speak belief into them. Every single day.
Because long before they succeed in school or life, they need to believe they can.
Bottom Line
Kids with ADHD don’t need to be fixed. They need to be understood.
They need someone who sees past the chaos to the creativity. Who looks beyond the forgetfulness and sees the fierce imagination. Who reminds them, again and again: You are not your mistakes. You are not too much. You are enough.
Start there. Say that. Say it daily.
And watch what happens.
