If you’re a parent, you’ve probably asked yourself this: “How do I help my child grow up confident and resilient—without pushing them too hard or shielding them too much?”
You’re not alone.
The teenage years can feel like a pressure cooker. Social media, academic stress, identity questions, peer drama—it all hits at once. And many parents start to notice their once confident, joyful child now avoids challenges, freezes up during tests, or gets overwhelmed by things that didn’t seem to bother them before.
But here’s the thing: anxiety in the teen years doesn’t start in the teen years.
And there’s one foundational lesson that, when skipped in early childhood, leaves kids more vulnerable to anxiety, low self-trust, and emotional dysregulation later on.
Let’s break it down.
What Happens When This One Skill Is Missing
Picture a child who never had to deal with frustration.
A child whose parents swooped in to fix every struggle. Or who was told to stop crying, “just be happy,” or “calm down already.”
They might seem fine at 5 or 8. But fast forward to 13, 15, 17—when emotions run high and the stakes feel bigger.
Without the tools to sit with discomfort, these kids often:
- Avoid new challenges for fear of failing
- Feel overwhelmed by everyday stressors
- Struggle to bounce back from setbacks
- Turn to numbing behaviors (excessive screen time, avoidance, perfectionism)
They weren’t taught how to tolerate discomfort.
And that’s the lesson that changes everything.
The Science of Emotional Tolerance
Emotional tolerance is the ability to experience uncomfortable feelings without reacting impulsively, avoiding them, or shutting down.
Dr. Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” explains: “Teens who are never allowed to feel discomfort don’t learn that emotions come and go. They grow up believing any uncomfortable feeling means something is wrong—with the world or with them.”
But here’s the truth: life is uncomfortable sometimes.
And kids who never learn to ride the waves of sadness, boredom, frustration, or failure early on often get slammed by them later.
A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology (2020) found that children who were discouraged from expressing negative emotions before age 10 were significantly more likely to experience anxiety symptoms by adolescence. (source)
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s say your 6-year-old is crying because their Lego creation fell apart.
The easy response is to rebuild it for them or distract them with a snack.
But the more powerful move?
Sitting beside them and saying:
- “That really stinks. I can see you worked hard on that.”
- “It’s okay to feel upset. Want to try again together in a bit?”
In that moment, you’re teaching:
- Discomfort isn’t dangerous
- Feelings are temporary
- I can feel hard things and keep going
These micro-moments build up over years. And when teens hit emotional turbulence later, they’re not afraid of the storm.
What Happens When They Do Learn This Early
Kids who learn emotional tolerance young:
- Handle academic and social pressure more calmly
- Ask for help without shame
- Recover from failure without spiraling
- Trust themselves to face uncomfortable emotions
This doesn’t mean they never feel anxious. It means they don’t fear their own feelings. And that’s the difference.
How to Start Teaching It Now (At Any Age)
1. Let Them Feel
Instead of “Don’t cry,” try “It’s okay to cry when something feels big.”
Normalize tears. Normalize frustration. Name the emotion. Don’t fix it right away.
2. Don’t Rush the Rescue
Let them sit with boredom, disappointment, or the consequences of their choices (safely, of course). This is how they build resilience.
3. Use Your Words
Narrate your own discomfort calmly:
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m taking a break.”
- “I made a mistake at work today. I’m frustrated, but I’ll try again tomorrow.”
Kids learn from what we model.
4. Praise Process Over Outcome
Instead of “You’re so good at this,” try “I saw you keep trying even when it was tricky. That’s brave.”
5. Teach Coping Tools
Help them build a toolbox: deep breaths, movement, drawing, talking it out. Not to erase the feeling—but to move through it.
The Bottom Line
You don’t need to bubble-wrap their childhood.
You don’t need to have all the answers.
You just need to give them room to feel it, name it, and stay connected through it.
Because when kids grow up knowing they can feel hard things without falling apart, you’re not just raising emotionally strong teens.
You’re raising future adults who trust themselves in the hardest moments.
And that’s everything.
