Ever looked at your child and quietly thought, “I need to do better than what I grew up with”?
Maybe you once promised yourself that your kids would grow up differently—with more peace, more emotional safety, more honesty. Maybe you’re parenting while still healing, trying to break old cycles even as you feel yourself pulled back into the ones that shaped you.
That’s the thing about generational trauma—it doesn’t shout. It echoes. Softly, subtly, until one day you catch yourself saying or doing the very thing you swore you never would.
My mum divorced twice. My dad? Twice as well. And me? I’ve already been through one divorce.
But now I’m raising two bright, curious girls—and I’ve made a quiet promise: the cycle stops with me.
In this post, I’m sharing what that really looks like. The lessons I’ve learned. The patterns I’m still unlearning. And the small, intentional ways I’m working to make sure my daughters grow up with healthier love stories than the ones I inherited.
The Wake-Up Call: Divorce Isn’t Just Between Two People
When I divorced, I thought the hardest part would be co-parenting logistics or explaining it to extended family.
I was wrong.
The hardest part was watching my daughters try to make sense of it all.
I saw the questions behind their eyes: Is love safe? Will I lose someone too? Is this my fault?
That’s when it hit me. My daughters aren’t just watching how I mother—they’re absorbing everything. How I talk about relationships. How I argue. How I apologize. How I recover from heartbreak.
They’re learning, even in silence.
The Patterns I Had to Unlearn First
Before I could teach my girls anything different, I had to get painfully honest about what I learned growing up:
- That love means self-sacrifice.
- That yelling is how people “communicate.”
- That staying together, no matter how miserable, is what strong families do.
Sound familiar?
These weren’t lessons I was explicitly taught. They were just… modeled. Repeated. Normalized. Until I realized they weren’t normal. They were survival strategies dressed up as values.
And I didn’t want my daughters to inherit them.
So What Am I Teaching My Girls Instead?
1. That Emotional Safety Comes First
We talk a lot in our house about how love isn’t just about feelings—it’s about behavior.
You can feel love for someone and still not be safe with them. You can care deeply about someone and still decide to walk away.
I remind them: “Love should never feel scary. If it does, something needs to change.”
2. That Conflict Isn’t the Enemy—Disrespect Is
I used to think arguing meant something was broken. Now I teach my girls that disagreement is part of life.
We practice:
- Taking turns to speak
- Using words like “I feel…” instead of “You always…”
- Repairing after we mess up
Because avoiding conflict doesn’t build strong relationships. Knowing how to handle it does.
3. That They’re Allowed to Have Boundaries (Even With Me)
This one stings sometimes.
When my daughter says, “I don’t want a hug right now,” my instinct is to feel rejected. But I breathe and say, “Okay. Thanks for telling me.”
Because if she can say no to me, she’ll be stronger saying no to anyone else.
Boundaries aren’t rude. They’re life skills. And the earlier they learn that, the safer their future relationships will be.
4. That Healing Is a Skill, Not a Timeline
Some days, they see me cry. Other days, they see me journaling, going to therapy, or doing something brave like setting a hard boundary.
I don’t hide my healing from them—I narrate it.
“I’m feeling sad today because I’m remembering something hard. But I’m going to take care of myself.”
This teaches them that pain isn’t weakness. And healing isn’t hiding. It’s work. And it’s worth it.
5. That They Can Be Whole Without a Relationship
The biggest lie I was ever sold?
That being partnered = being complete.
I remind my girls often: “You are already whole. A relationship might add to your life, but it doesn’t define your worth.”
They don’t need someone else to fix, save, or validate them. They are enough as they are.
The Generational Shift
Here’s the truth: my girls might still get their hearts broken one day. They might even get divorced. Life doesn’t come with guarantees.
But they won’t enter adulthood believing love means abandoning themselves.
They won’t stay in something toxic because they think it’s their job to make it work.
They’ll have the language, tools, and self-respect to choose differently.
And that? That’s the cycle breaking.
Final Thoughts
Generational trauma doesn’t end because we wish it would.
It ends when we name it. Challenge it. Teach something different. And keep showing up, even when we don’t get it perfect.
So if you’re in the thick of it—healing, growing, parenting while processing your own pain—you’re not alone.
You’re not failing.
You’re leading a quiet revolution.
One honest conversation at a time. One boundary at a time. One lesson at a time.
And one day, your kids will look back and realize:
You didn’t just raise them. You freed them.
