Let’s be real: If you’ve ever lost it and yelled at your kid, you’re not alone.
Maybe you were running on no sleep. Maybe the cereal ended up on the floor again. Maybe you’ve asked them five times to put their shoes on and they’re still barefoot doing cartwheels.
Whatever the trigger was—the yelling happened. And then came the guilt.
You sat on the edge of the bed later that night thinking, “I shouldn’t have snapped.” And the next day (or five minutes later), you did the thing you know you’re supposed to do: you apologized.
“I’m sorry I yelled. I shouldn’t have done that.”
It’s a great first step. But here’s the truth nobody talks about:
Apologies don’t erase impact.
And without one key follow-up, even the most heartfelt “I’m sorry” can leave your child confused, anxious, or carrying emotional weight they don’t know how to name.
Let’s unpack what that missing piece is—and how to make your apologies actually heal.
Why Apologies Alone Don’t Cut It
Kids are brilliant observers, but terrible interpreters.
They see your tone. Your body language. Your moods.
But they don’t have the emotional vocabulary or brain maturity to understand why something happened—especially when it’s scary.
So when you yell and then say, “Sorry,” they might nod. They might even hug you.
But inside, they might be thinking:
- “Will it happen again?”
- “Was it my fault?”
- “Is it safe to tell Mum when I mess up?”
According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and parenting expert, a true repair goes beyond words. It requires actions that rebuild safety and reaffirm your child’s sense of connection and worthiness. (source)
The Missing Piece: Repair, Not Just Regret
A repair is more than an apology.
It’s a commitment to understanding what happened, owning your role, and showing your child how you’ll work to prevent it next time.
A good repair sounds like this:
“I’m really sorry I yelled. That must have felt scary. I was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t your fault. Next time, I’m going to take a breath or step away before I raise my voice. You deserve to feel safe with me.”
Why does this work?
- It validates their emotions
- It removes blame from the child
- It models accountability
- It shows a plan for change
And that’s where trust is rebuilt.
What Happens When We Don’t Repair
When parents skip this step, even with the best intentions, it can leave long-term marks.
Research published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that repeated exposure to parental verbal aggression (even in otherwise loving homes) is associated with higher levels of anxiety, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation in children. (source)
And when there’s no repair?
Children are left to make sense of the rupture alone.
Some internalize it: “I must be bad.”
Some adapt by shutting down: “If I don’t show emotions, maybe I won’t get yelled at.”
Some lash out themselves: “Yelling must be how people solve problems.”
We don’t have to be perfect.
But we do have to show them what healthy repair looks like.
How to Do It (Even If You Feel Awkward)
- Regulate Yourself First
Don’t apologize in the heat of guilt or self-shame. Calm your nervous system first—take a walk, breathe, write it out. - Name What Happened Without Excuses
“I yelled when I got frustrated.” Not: “You made me yell.” - Validate Their Experience
“That probably felt scary or confusing. It’s okay to feel upset.” - Take Responsibility
“I’m the grown-up, and it’s my job to stay calm. I didn’t do that. I’m sorry.” - Commit to Better
“Next time I feel overwhelmed, I’m going to walk into the other room to calm down.” - Reconnect With Warmth
Physical affection, a shared story, or a game can help re-cement the bond.
What Kids Learn When We Repair Well
- That everyone makes mistakes, but we can make things right
- That their emotions matter
- That love includes accountability
- That safety and connection are always worth restoring
It’s not about shielding them from every hard moment.
It’s about showing them what strength with softness looks like.
And that? That’s what builds secure kids.
The Bottom Line
Yelling doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Not repairing does.
You can make mistakes.
You can be triggered.
You can lose your cool.
What matters most is that you circle back.
That you name it.
That you hold space for their experience.
And that you make a plan to do better next time.
Because when kids see you take responsibility and make a change, they learn to do the same.
And that’s how you raise kids who know how to love, repair, and grow—no matter what life throws at them.
