You’re here because you’ve hit a wall. Maybe your once-sweet toddler has turned into a dinner-flinging dictator. Maybe you’ve followed every “gentle parenting” script, downloaded every PDF, and still end up crying in the pantry after your kid tells you you’re a “rude mummy.”
You’re not alone.
And no, you’re not a terrible parent. You’re a human being doing your best—and maybe starting to wonder if “gentle parenting” is a little too gentle for the real world.
What They Don’t Tell You About Gentle Parenting
When I had my first child nearly five years ago, I dove headfirst into the world of conscious, respectful, Montessori-adjacent, boundary-loving gentle parenting. I read the blogs. I watched the reels. I even rehearsed the scripts in my head: “You’re allowed to feel angry, but I won’t let you hit.”
And for a while, it worked.
But then the meltdowns escalated. The refusals grew sharper. The defiance turned destructive. And suddenly, I found myself parenting a tiny tyrant who’d weaponized every ounce of emotional freedom I’d given them.
The Breaking Point: Pasta and a Plate of Rage
Last week, after serving a dinner composed entirely of foods my child had previously loved, they screamed, “It’s disgusting!” and launched their plate across the room.
That was it. I snapped.
I didn’t follow the script. I didn’t validate. I yelled. Loudly.
I told them I was done. I said they didn’t have to eat—but there would be no snacks, no sugar, no screen time, and certainly no special dinners. My husband, who rarely raises his voice, looked at me and simply said, “Something has to change.”
What Happened Next Surprised Me
We removed all privileges. Cold turkey. iPad? Gone. Sweet treats? Nope. Toys from Grandma? Temporarily shelved.
These were boundaries we had communicated for years—but never really enforced.
And guess what?
The tantrums began to slow. Apologies started to appear. Rules were respected (most of the time).
My child even started recognizing the limits without a massive fight. Was I still being called a “rude mummy”? Absolutely. But the behavior? It was improving.
What I Got Wrong About Gentle Parenting
Here’s the thing: Gentle parenting isn’t bad. But the way I was using it? That was the problem.
I confused being emotionally available with being emotionally permissive. I mistook validating feelings for tolerating disrespect. I prioritized connection over correction—until there was no correction left.
I thought consistency meant patience. But consistency means following through—every time. Not just when I had the bandwidth.
According to Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, gentle parenting only works when paired with firm boundaries. Without consequences, kids don’t learn accountability—they just learn they can wear you down.
Why Some Kids Need Clearer Structure
Some children are naturally more spirited, more intense, or more sensitive. And those kids? They need structure like oxygen.
Research from the Yale Parenting Center shows that children with explosive behaviors respond best to consistent routines and clear, firm limits.
My child isn’t broken. But they do need to know that rules mean something. That their feelings matter—but actions have consequences. That I’m not just their emotional sponge—I’m their guide.
How I’m Rebuilding the Balance
I haven’t thrown out everything I learned about gentle parenting. But I’ve made key adjustments:
- Emotions are still welcome. I don’t punish crying or anger. But I also don’t tolerate screaming at dinner or hitting their sibling.
- Consequences are clear and immediate. No more reminders after the fifth warning. We say what we mean, and we mean what we say.
- Repair is required. After calm returns, we talk. Not in a three-hour TED Talk. Just enough to name what happened, what we’ll try next time, and how to make it right.
- My feelings matter, too. I’ve stopped trying to be endlessly calm. When I mess up, I model what repair looks like. “I yelled because I was overwhelmed. That wasn’t okay. I’ll work on it.”
Is Gentle Parenting a Crock?
No. But it’s not a one-size-fits-all miracle either.
It works best when it’s firm and kind. When we hold space and hold limits. When we recognize that empathy doesn’t mean enabling.
I still cry to my husband sometimes. I still worry I’m doing damage. But he reminds me (and he’s right): we’re not harming our child by setting boundaries. We’re helping them feel secure.
Security doesn’t come from endless freedom. It comes from knowing the rules, and knowing that someone who loves you will uphold them.
Final Thoughts
If you’re deep in the gentle parenting trenches and your child is turning into a tiny tornado of sass and defiance—don’t panic.
You’re not failing. You might just need firmer walls around your very soft heart.
Gentle doesn’t mean fragile. And boundaries don’t mean mean.
So if you’ve been feeling like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home, it might be time to change the script.
Because the ultimate goal isn’t just raising emotionally intelligent kids. It’s raising emotionally intelligent kids who know how to be kind—and how to take no for an answer.
