When a baby is not ready for this world [miscarriage]

Dear Mummy and Daddy,

The day you saw that pregnancy test, was a day never to forget. I know you were scared and nervous. So nervous you took a second test just to be sure. But you were excited too. To say over-the-moon is an understatement. I know your hearts began to race as you pictured the new direction your life was heading. You saw a family of three in nine months’ time. You wondered if you would be good parents. Don’t worry Mummy and Daddy, you are.

Mummy I know morning sickness was the tell-tale sign that encouraged you to take a pregnancy test. You and Daddy went to a wedding 2 hours away and you were sick the entire drive home. Your tummy was queasy constantly. You went shopping with Nana searching for ginger. Ginger cookies, ginger beer, ginger chews from the pharmacy. You slept. Lots. You couldn’t help but look through the baby section in shops, all the teeny little outfits, soft woollen blankets, and cuddly toys. It was only early in pregnancy, but you were excited. You were going to be my Mummy.

Daddy I know how excited you were when Mummy showed you that test. You had talked with Mummy about wanting children for a long time. You’re not one to show your feelings all the time, but everyone could see you were ecstatic.

You went to visit the doctor and she congratulated you on your pregnancy. She gave you a jumbo pack of goodies to look at. She arranged for Mummy to have blood tests, and she booked a dating scan to find out when I would be due. She suggested you spend some time looking for a midwife. That was easy – you already had a friend who was a midwife. She would be the perfect person to help you along the journey of pregnancy.

You were about to embark on an adventure. A new chapter in your lives together. A total upheaval of your current lifestyle, in the most positive way possible. All of a sudden you start to notice every pregnant person who walks past you in the streets. You notice every baby, every child. You smile, knowing you will have a baby with you in just nine short months. Not stopping for a moment to consider any detour on the pathway of pregnancy. No one told you to expect anything different. There was nothing but excitement.

So you told people. Just a few to begin with. You shared your news with a few special friends and family members. It was heartwarming to have so much happiness around you. People to share your joy with. To talk endlessly about baby clothes, baby names, hopes and fears. Everyone says you shouldn’t tell people until you’re past the 12-week “safe mark”. But what’s the harm really. Nothing can go wrong right?

The day arrived for the dating scan and you arrived at the radiology clinic, a tummy full of water. I was just a teeny wee thing, so the water would help to see me better. Hearts were racing a million miles per hour. You wondered what it would be like to see a little human growing inside you Mummy. Daddy knew it would be that much more real seeing it on the big screen. It was an incredibly special moment. In that moment, your world would shift again.

And so it did.

At 7 weeks gestation, I had no heartbeat. They tried and tried to find one, but it wasn’t there. I know your hearts shattered that day. When you were told my heartbeat couldn’t be detected, I saw the happiness drain from you. I watched your tears. Mummy and Daddy, I wanted to make it better for you. I truly did. But I wasn’t ready for this world.

The few short weeks of excitement vanished. It was like a dream for you both. Mummy you receded from the outside world. You spent minutes, hours, and days, lying in bed. Overwhelmed with emotion. A constant stream of tears stained your face. A burning heart resided in your chest. You felt alone and isolated. You slept. Lots.

Daddy you walked around dazed. Your tears fell silently when you allowed yourself to think for too long. You held it together on the outside, but your mind was distracted. Your heart ached. I watched you and Mummy lose touch. Your connection drifted apart, sometimes for moments, sometimes for days. Days would go past and you wouldn’t speak at all. Other times you would hold each other close, just for a few moments.

Sadness turned to anger. Why did this happen to you? Why did everyone else around you have problem-free pregnancies? What did you do to deserve this pain? Nothing Mummy and Daddy. You did nothing wrong. I know the thoughts went through your minds over and over and over. What could you have done differently? There was nothing. I know you read articles online about what causes miscarriages. You looked for answers. Everywhere. But it was unexplained. I just wasn’t ready for this world.

Mummy and Daddy, I’m so glad you told those few people about me. You had support. You had family and friends to love you and help you. You had people to make you smile a little each day. People to remind you what your laugh sounded like. People who could distract you for a few hours, enough to make you remember why life was worth living. They helped you find each other again. They helped you come to terms with your grief. They helped you reconnect.

You spent less time sad and angry. Moments of happiness began to filter into your life again. The pain still lingered like a dull ache, but it was bearable. You stopped letting it control your thoughts and actions. You found a new way to move forward. At times people flitted around the topic of babies in your presence in an awkward manner. But you were okay. You encouraged the conversations. You were happy for others.

A miscarriage is something you never forget. I know because you’ve never forgotten me. It might not be every day you consciously think of me, but I have a home in your hearts forever. I know how scared you were when you fell pregnant again Mummy. I know you thought of me more than ever during those nine months. For fear of the pain of loss once more. I know Daddy guarded his heart this time. But you needn’t have worried.

You have two amazing, beautiful girls. Who are perfect for you and perfect for this world. They are the reason you no longer sleep lots Mummy. They make you smile and laugh and cry. They fill your heart with happiness. I wasn’t ready for this world Mummy and Daddy, but your two girls were.

I love you always Mummy and Daddy,

Baby Me